nonsense talk

do you ever feel like your life is not yours anymore?
i have that kinda feeling. i feel like i sacrificed myself for the people i love, for the responsibility that i have.
i cannot cry because i have to wipe off others tear. i cannot feel down because i have the responsibility to cheer up others. i do not have any wish anymore for myself because i did that for others. i do not have any time for myself because i am busy doing cheering up people so that they don have depression they don feel down they don feel uncomfort from the world in anyway.
maybe, i was not born with a golden spoon in my mouth but i can bet that atleast i had the silver spoon. i never felt any problem when i was growing up from. my parents never let me feel sorry for anything. i always thought i am the happiest person. i still do, but sometimes like now i feel that am i really happy with my life? yes i am happy because i can cheer up people, i can make people happy, i keep them smiling all the time, atleast i try to do so, but for doing that i have to hide my tears.
i cannot write lyrics because i used to think that lyrics should come from inside, thats why the lyrics came up
"rong moholer shong je ami manush hashai manush mojai
nijer moner dukher nachon kamne lukai kamne bachai
horek rokom hashi pabe amar shong er jholate
mukhosh pore hashbo ami nijer dukho bholate

rong moholer shong je ami baango kore dhong je dekhai
gaan geye jai horek rokom manush hashai jibon shajai
koto dukhi ailo kacheshukh niya shob ferot jae
shukh bilayei bachi ami amar dukho ke ghochae

amar matom, amar dohon keu nai je jurate
bhong dhore tai shong sheje jainijer dukkho purate
aay tora shob duki manush shukhta niye ferot ja
rong er ghore matish toradukher tore bhashish na "

well i donno why my whole world had to change?
still i think i am not doing enough for them. maybe still i have lack in something thats why i keep them happy all the time. whatever i do, still i think i do some mistake and instead of making them happy i do the oposite. God knows that i never had any intention to hurt anybody in anyway. but may be my way of loving people is not right. maybe hypocracy is the right thing to do.
i miss my mom and dad. i know i am not a good son for them. but i am still trying to be one.
so many things in my mind but i cannot share with anyone. so much pain inside me but i cannot tell anyone. who i will tell? my only brother who i love more than myself? i promised to myself and my parents that whatever happens in life i will not let my brother to be in a bad situation. i will keep him happy always, i will not let him feel any pain from anyhow. i cannot tell him all my stuff because may be it will make him feel sorry or something else..
My parents? i cannot tell them either, because they are so many miles away from me they always think that i am doing fine, they always try to make my mind strong, i cannot share my pain with them because i know my mom will start crying, i cant let that happen. She cried a lot in her life, i wont let that happen again.
my future wife? she had so many problems in her own life that it will just make her own life more miserable.
friends??? lol... i think that only can happen in book or movie that your friend will do anything for you or will share your pain. .... that does not happen in real life..
i think i am writing just rubbish.. but its a good thing that atleast i can write something.. allthough all my writing does not make any sense to me.